Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
