cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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