My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
