make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
