I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
