It was confusing and full of hummus
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
