DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize