Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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