There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Jerry, you need to find god
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
