i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
well you can't waste a boner
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
