eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
His nipple licking is glorious
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