There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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