Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
