Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
