One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
