Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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