If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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