Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
