The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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