you have to choose: penises or morals?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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