Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
