She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
And then my night got REAL pukey
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
