What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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