Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
