Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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