There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
