i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
