I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The beers last night were like the tears from god
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
