K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize