I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
