At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
did i walk over a car last night?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize