Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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