i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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