It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
