I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
