i wish starbucks made bloody marys
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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