I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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