i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
