If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
