Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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