I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
