I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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