Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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