My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
