Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
we're so committed to being not committed
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize