Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
