I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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