apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
