So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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