Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
