A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
