Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
