The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
