News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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