i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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