Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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