i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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