you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
