Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize