I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
