Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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