We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
