he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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